Advanced Troubleshooting Guide for the LMS: Summoning Demons
Having trouble with Canvas, Blackboard, or other LMS? It may be because you have been summoning the wrong demon / god / goddess to make the platform work better.
If you or your class cannot log-in, summon Abyzou, the Mesopotamian demon of infertility and miscarriages. She will be glad to assist you. Simply take the flayed carcass of one virgin sheep, knit together a matching pair of socks from the wool, and draw a circle in the dirt outside but near to your internet router or modem. Repeat these words:
Abyzou! I call upon the spirit Abyzou! Feast upon this carcass and log me in to [insert full name of your LMS here]. If successful, you will hear a voice whisper “Knock, knock.” You must respond, “Who’s there?” If the voice calls out “Abyzou!” then allow her to enter as she may need to check your broadband connection. Do NOT say “Abyzou who,” as that will only piss her off.
This will work with other Learning Management Systems except for D2L. Nothing works with D2L.
If you get a spinning circle-of-death icon, summon Papa Legba, the Hoodoo deity of crossroads, knowledge, and wisdom. Include in your offering rum, coconut, and excellent-quality black coffee. While standing in front of your computer monitor, place a cup of brewed coffee on the left side of your workstation. On the right side, place exactly four ounces of shaved coconut. In the middle, draw a large cross using the rum. Declare: “Papa Legba, carry me across to Blackboard!” Repeat this until the rum cross has evaporated from the surface of your workstation.
If your coffee was good, you should be logged in to Blackboard now, having traversed the Limbo of the spinning circle of Nonaction. This will work with other Learning Management Systems except for D2L. Nothing works with D2L.
There is no value in calling upon Ghaddar, the Islamic female demon who is used only to assault and mutilate men’s genitals. Do not summon her. Ever.*
*the one exception to this is for extraordinarily stubborn Title IX cases (beyond the scope of this article, but please contact that office if you believe this applies to you).
If you have contacted your LMS, and they tell you the problem lies at your institution, do not be deceived. Call your institution, and if they tell you that the problem lies with the LMS (which they will), then you should summon Azazel. This Hebraic demon is associated clearly with the scapegoat rite, and he is known to seduce humans with forbidden knowledge. This is extremely useful when one entity is trying to blame their problems upon another. Azazel is difficult to control, but could be helpful. To summon Azazel:
Make sure you have a clean workstation. This incantation will require sixteen live chickens, two “blood eggs” purchased from a local farmer, and a fancy men’s dress hat — NO STRAW HATS, for the love of God. Pluck one feather from each of the chickens and arrange them in a circle. Crack the blood eggs into the circle and mix well. Rake the egg-feather mixture into the fancy dress hat and put it upon your head. Say, “Okay Azazel, I’m READY!!” If he admires your hat, Azazel will appear and fix your connection. If he does not admire your hat, then you have just made a mess and should try your call again later.
For problems not defined above, you could try Orobas, the great prince of Hell. Orobas gives you true answers to questions about the past, present and the future. He is insightful and intelligent, but won’t actually DO anything to fix your problem; in other words, he is a natural-born academic.
